Mind Unraveling

I feel like the words of that song that says...

..."2 AM and I'm still awake writing a song,

If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me

threatening the life it belongs to."

My mind seems to be racing a million times a minute and it is becoming exhausting so I decided maybe if I write a few of my thoughts down, they won't stay in my mind to bother me.

I am worried about my baby right now. I have not been able to find a doctor that I like and that I would like to deliver my baby and so I am anxious about that and I want to be assured that everything is going as it should. It is fun because I am beginning to feel the babe move around quite a bit, but then again each movement is a reminder that I am not taking the recommended precautions as far as prenatal care goes. Will life please just pause for a minute so I can have time to find a doctor that I like and begin seeing for this baby!?

I can't stop worrying about leaving the mortuary. I know that we cannot handle the stress any more of having to be home all the time and having to find a babysitter for Lydia and not being able to be with her the maximum time possible due to having to work in the evenings at viewings all the time. I know that we do not want to have the stress of wondering if we have cleaned the mortuary to the owners' expectations. They are such nice people and are really great to work for, but I don't feel like they train properly. It seems like you're left to guess what they want or expect with a lot of the responsibilities here and they're totally fine until you make a mistake or find that you've been doing something wrong because they act like you should have known better, even though they never made it known in the first place. Does that make sense? ...any way. I am glad that we are leaving I just hope that they have no hard feelings about our timing and all that kind of stuff.

I am worried about our finances. We've had such freedom with our money since we've lived at the mortuary and now we must be very careful about how we spend our money and it's something I know is necessary because we really haven't had to worry about it for the past two years, but now we must and we will, it will just be difficult to adjust.

I am constantly worrying about whether pursuing medical school is what I want to do. I feel so often that I have to sacrifice so much to get there and I wonder if it really is worth it. I keep thinking how much time I am missing with my little Lydia while I am at school studying. I keep thinking how much I can't wait for this school year to end so that I can spend more time with my family, and then I remember that I haven't even started medical school yet. I worry about student debt with going to medical school, especially with the new healthcare bill. I am determined to be there for my children full heartedly and I keep thinking, how can I do that while I am still struggling through schooling!?

I feel as though life is so up in the air right now and everything is just spinning and it isn't slowing down and it won't be slowing down for...what seems like forever! We are still in the middle of moving, my in-laws hate my guts, my grades are dropping, everything seems to make me cry these days (pregnancy...yes, that is a valid excuse), I am losing self confidence and esteem because my body is changing to accommodate baby, I do not have time to exercise which is something I desperately need emotionally and mentally, Lydia is growing up so fast and she is also learning new ways to be mischievous, sassy, and tantrum throwing (among the happy fun things that come with this age as well like singing and dancing and learning to do things on her own.).

I just keep thinking there must be an end, but then something else always comes up and I am just not sure how to stay calm.

My agenda for the next little while:

Finals

Fly to Virginia (which I was hoping would be relaxing, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be just as stressful and busy as ever!)

Becky's wedding (pictures and flowers and all that comes with that....)

Christmas

fly back to Utah

Start school again....

...End of semester = graduation and baby pretty much at the same time

Move again!

Take the MCAT

Apply for Medical Schools

(all with new baby of course....)

Be supportive and probably find a job while Chris finishes school

Get accepted somewhere to medical school

Move again.

And begin Medical School with two children

....IS THIS HOW I PICTURED MY LIFE RIGHT NOW? no.

DO I REALLY WANT MY LIFE TO GO THIS WAY FOR THE NEXT FIVE OR SO YEARS? i don't know.

WILL LIFE PLEASE JUST PAUSE FOR A SECOND AND LET ME CATCH UP!? nope.

..." Because life's like an hour glass glued to the table,

no one can find the rewind button now,

so cradle your head in your hands.

And breathe. Just breathe.

oh breathe. Just breathe."

P.S. If you've read this in its entirety, please do not think it is a plea for pity or attention. I am looking for neither. I just really do feel better having written it all down. Now you have a peek into my life that you never thought you'd see. :0)